Remember

Remember those that fought for us

100 years ago,
They fought for the freedom
of those they'd never know.

Maybe it is pointless
to wish for lasting peace,
For countries to lay down their arms
For all fighting just to cease.

You could despair of ever seeing
peace throughout the land,
No longer seeing scenes of war,
blood mixed with desert sand.

We just don't have the tolerance
for cultures not our own,
Seeds of peace thrown to the wind
From the heart where they are sown.

Yet hope lays in a child's heart
One not turned to stone,
A mind still free of prejudice
and a child that's not alone.

So as we remember all those fallen
with an aptly heavy heart,
Fan the spark of future hope
that's up to us to start.

We all need somebody to lean on

PHILOSOPHICAL THURSDAY: It isn't easy when we go through though times in our lives when we find ourselves emotionally damaged. Something or someone has upset us SO dramatically we almost feel broken. However it can be almost equally as hard when the person in pain isn't us but someone we really care about. Finding the right way to support that person can be really hard. It’s quite normal (particularly as a man) to feel like you just want to make things ‘all better’ for that person, but it’s not always that straight forward. Seeing the people we love in distress can actually make us feel pain and a little overwhelmed.

First of all, everybody is different and has different needs and different ways of coping. So what feels supportive for one person may not feel at all helpful for someone else. So rule one if you like is not to presume you know what someone needs or wants from you in terms of support. Secondly, remember it’s ok to admit that sometimes you just don’t know how to help them. So the best thing to do is just ask them the question! “What can I do to help?" or "What can I do to let you know I'm here for you?” If they say they don’t know, (Which is quite a common response) just reassure them that if there IS something they want, or need, to let you know and if you can help, you will. Just letting them know you are there is often a big help itself.

It’s also important to let those people be where they are emotionally, and to let them know that whatever they are feeling it’s ok. Feelings after all are just that – feelings. Not good or bad, not right or wrong. Life experiences will always give us the full range of human emotion. Feeling distress is not necessarily a negative thing. Even the most difficult experiences teach us about who we are, our relationship to others and the world around us. When bad things do happen it actually forces us out of our comfort zones and makes us stronger and more prepared for the future.

So often, what people really need in times of distress is just someone who can listen without judging them and someone with a sympathetic response.
So be aware of how you phrase things and the way in which you say them. Don’t say things like “You Shouldn’t . . .” or “Don’t . . .” . Those kind of answers are basically saying “What you are feeling is bad or wrong” or “Stop it” or “get rid of it.”

Accept the persons feelings how they are, don’t ask them to explain or defend the way they are feeling. Feelings are almost never logical, so don't expect the explanations of how they are feeling to be either. Resist the need to ask a lot of questions about whatever it is that has caused the grief as it may well have a negative effect and cause them to shut off completely.

Whatever you do, never ever say things like “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” or "just forget about it!". Chances are this will make them feel worse; knowing that they feel unable to do so. More positive feedback is best given when that person is at a stage when they are open to hear it. 

Also, don’t always rush in too soon trying to fix things. Sometimes just being there and allowing the person to say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel and ask what they might need to is the best way of being supportive, without trying to force it all to end sooner.

Of course the best thing to do is always to ask yourself how you would feel in their situation. That said, although it is really useful to draw on your own past experiences as an example, this isn’t always the case. If you yourself have unresolved issues or hurt on what they are going through, it’s going to effect your ability to be objective and neutral. So do know your own limits. 

Don’t expect that you should know all the right answers either and don’t let yourself feel guilty about it if you don’t. It’s ok to remove yourself from a ‘supportive’ role if you really don’t think you’ll be able to help. Just be honest about it with the person, we all have our limitations of usefulness when it comes to be emotionally supportive, but reassure them the you are of course able to just ‘be there’ for them.

Finally, and rather unsurprisingly from me, always offer them a hug. It is scientifically proven that being held, or hugged, (yes even for those that say they can't stand being hugged) or just having a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on can feel amazing when the crud has hit the fan. Sometimes just a silent hug can say so much more, and be so much more comforting than any words are able to.

Do look after yourself, and each other.

TheTuesday25:

It was 8:27am on what promised to be another horrendously long Tuesday. Sophie was on her laptop idling her time away before she rushed out the door to go to work. The draw of talking to complete strangers online was too tempting, she enjoyed the freedom of being whoever she wanted to be and then walking away. She was naturally shy and socially awkward, but online she could be as strong and powerful as her imagination let her.

She signed on her profile as SophieQ14: and only two minutes had gone by before she got pinged; this is how the chat was later logged:

Tuesday25: Just been looking at your pics! 
TheTuesday25: WOW! You're beautiful!
SophieQ14: Really! You think so?
TheTuesday25: You've got amazing hair.
SophieQ14: Thanks!  *blushes*
TheTuesday25: : You've got really beautiful eyes.
SophieQ14: Well, people do tell me they are one of my best features. 
TheTuesday25: And your nose is SO cute.
SophieQ14: Aww . . . thanx.
TheTuesday25: And such a long graceful neck.
SophieQ14: Err . . . ok! I get it.
TheTuesday25: And such a beautiful body.
SophieQ14: Errr . . .
TheTuesday25: And your heart is just divine.
SophieQ14: Ok! That's enough lover boy!
TheTuesday25: I bet all your internal organs are beautiful.
SophieQ14: WTF!! Now you're being weird!
TheTuesday25: I wish I could see them. I want to see them.
SophieQ14: Goodbye!
TheTuesday25: I wish I could open you up and look inside.
SophieQ14: Get lost you freak!!
TheTuesday25: I could run my fingers through your entrails. hmmmm
SophieQ14: Stop messaging me now you weirdo, or you're getting reported
TheTuesday25: I would remove all of your organs delicately one by one.
SophieQ14: If you don't stop this crap now, you can forget blocking, I'll go to the police!
TheTuesday25: Then I would lovingly kiss each one of them.
SophieQ14: STOP IT NOW YOU SICK FREAK!! I'm ignoring you!
TheTuesday25: Sophie.
TheTuesday25: Sophie!
TheTuesday25: SOPHIE!?
TheTuesday25: SOPHIE!?
SophieQ14: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TheTuesday25: Your blood over my body
SophieQ14: Get lost you sad lonely little sick prick.
TheTuesday25: I can see you, you know.
SophieQ14: Oh really! Course you can.
TheTuesday25: I'm watching you right now.
SophieQ14: Yeah course you are. Freak!
TheTuesday25: I can prove it!
SophieQ14: Go on then!
TheTuesday25: Peekaboo! I see you!
SophieQ14: Ok then, where am I?
TheTuesday25: In your house.
SophieQ14: Well durrr!
TheTuesday25: Chatting on your laptop.
SophieQ14: Again . . . Durrr!
TheTuesday25: Sitting on your sofa.
SophieQ14: hardly a tricky guess really!
TheTuesday25: Ask me where I am Sophie.
SophieQ14: I couldn't give a crap where you are to be honest!
TheTuesday25: If you ask me where I am, I promise I will stop messaging you.
SophieQ14: OK!! Where are you?
TheTuesday25: In a house.
TheTuesday25: Chatting to you on my smartphone.
TheTuesday25: Hiding behind your sofa.

The conversation ended there, and sadly Sophie was never seen again.

The Great Pretender

"Oh yes! I'm the great pretender." Or so the song goes, but I do think we're all a bit of pretender at times. I think we're all a bit guilty of piling on the performer when feeling socially awkward, admittedly some of us more than others of course. 

Let’s say you’ve been invited to a Halloween party for instance, and the only person you really know is the person whose party it is! There might be loads of people at the party and they all seem to be friendly. Everyone is having a laugh and a good time; although they all seem to know a lot more people than you do. Obviously no one is interested in you, because they don’t really know you. It's almost as if they can't even see you! So you start to feel like the ghost you came dressed up as. Of course your friend, whose party it is, is busy all night with all the other people. So then you start feeling neglected,rejected and unwanted. Sound familiar?

I'm sure all of us, at times, have thoughts like: “No one really understands me." or "Does anyone actually care about me?", "No one knows the real me . . . and even if they did, they probably wouldn't like me.” or even more dramatically "I wonder if I died if anyone would really notice or even care?" Yes you could be forgiven for thinking "What a drama Queen! Get over yourself!" True, it does sound rather over-dramatic but as pitiful as it seems we all have those moments even if we don't like to admit it.

So what do we do when we start thinking like that? Sadly, most of time we decide the best course of action is to withdraw even further into ourselves, so we can snuggle up to feeling even more miserable and depressed! I suppose the trouble is a lot of people who are considered 'the life and soul of the party' are in fact socially bankrupt on the inside and as self-loathing and over-sensitive as you can possibly get.

So what is the problem? Well for a start, some of us feel like we have to play the fool and become the performer in order for other people to actually like us. Rather than just liking us for who we actually are. Plus we’re all told by the media in one way or another, that to survive in life, you can’t trust anyone. So instead we build up walls, thinking, I'm never going to get hurt if I don't let anyone in. People are never what they seem to be, so I must protect myself by pretending to be something I'm not. Then the little voice that sits on our shoulder starts whispering little lies like "Don’t trust them or you will get burned! Don’t let anyone get inside!"

The trouble with this path is we end up thinking that if people don't care about us, why should we care about them? We begin to think that people only want what is good for them and that our well-being is meaningless to everyone else. Sure, people may tell you they love you or that they're there for you, but it's all a show. They don't really care about us.

The fact is, when we do find ourselves feeling lonely in a crowd of people, we must first try to raise our self esteem. So set yourself some goals and try to achieve them, no matter how insignificant they may seem at the time. 

Life is very important and we only get one shot at it. So try to live your life in such a way that you can feel proud of it. Try and be that good example that you wish you were. You ARE a good person and it’s important to know that. So does it really matter if others don’t understanding us? Maybe try to understand their problems and help them, rather than constantly asking for emotional help and hand-outs all of the time. As another song goes, You gonna reap just what you sow. So if you DO start giving, you WILL start receiving.

It might well pay to find out if anyone you know is also facing such a state. Of course for this we have to shift our attention from ourselves to other people. A good start is to actually listen to others. Ask them about their problems. You may well find that there are quite a few others out there who are in the same boat. 

So if you do suddenly find yourself feeling lonely in a crowd, remove yourself. Don't just stand there mentally beating yourself up over it. Simply come to terms with the fact that we’re all different and this particular crowd isn't for you. Don't set yourself up for more stress. Just walk away and look for a crowd that shares your point of view.

It is a sad fact that a lot of us are performers. The trouble is the more we carry on performing, the more prone we are to finding ourselves feeling lonely in a crowd. What this all boils down to of course is the underlying fear of being lonely.

Look around you, if you stopped performing or being the great pretender. Who do you think would actually lose interest in you? Sure there may be a few shallow 'friends' that say “So and so’s really boring and miserable these days aren't they!”. But I also guarantee that there would be much more that wouldn’t. The people who genuinely care are there no matter who we are, or who we are pretending to be!

They see us for who we really are, and still want to spend time with us. Sometimes these people are friends, sometimes they’re your family. Whoever they are, deep down I think we all know who these people are for us. These are the people that really matter. The people that love us no matter how we are feeling. So cling onto these amazing gems of people and you’ll never feel lonely in a crowd ever again.

Look after yourself, and each other.

THE RETURN OF THE TUESDAY

It had been a rough night, it had taken hours of exhausting clock-watching and an almost unbearable amount of pain coming from the back of his eye sockets, before he'd eventually fallen asleep. Although he would of swapped the inconvenience of insomnia in in own bedroom giving what he faced now. He'd awoken to find himself on the floor of a vast cave.

The air was thick and stifling and there was an oppressing odour of sulphur. The only light was coming from a lone torch hung on the wall sending out it's flickering orange glow across the sheer rock wall that rose behind him with no ceiling in sight. How had he got there, and more to the point, where the hell was he?

Maybe that was actually more accurate than he cared to contemplate, he had been feeling really hot and shivery before he'd eventually dropped off.
Maybe this was it! Maybe he'd actually died and this was what religion warned everyone about, what all men feared . . . Maybe this was hell!

The cave almost had it's own presence as if it was a living, breathing creature. The stench sulphur was overwhelming, at least he hoped it was sulphur, otherwise there was an awful lot of rotting flesh somewhere. 

Then there was a loud voice, it came from inside the darkness ahead of him and bounced all around the cave walls. The voice was rich, thick and silky and it was the kind of voice that made you think of honey being poured over satin sheets.

“Welcome”

“Who are you?”, he asked, trying to keep his composure.

“You know who I am.” the thing answered.

“So you're the devil are you?”, He stuttered with a nervous laugh, trying his best to sound he was being ludicrous.

[Silence]

“So, if you are why me? I’ve lived a pretty good life. I've got a clean sheet so to speak. . . . So I'm definitely dead then?” He asked hopefully.

The silence took over the space as his words died out. It seemed like an hour went by before the response came.

“What did you expect?”

The voice was penetrating but patient. “I don’t know . . . I never really believed in any of this stuff”, he uttered before adding “Is that why I am here?”

[Silence]

He nervously continued, “Of course if you are the devil, they say the greatest trick you ever pulled was convincing the world that you don’t exist!”

“No," the velvety voice replied, "the greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world that there's an alternative”

Clock off!

It's true I'm afraid, Monday has happened again and as far as I'm concerned it's feeling even more trickier than normal. Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you who enjoyed, even revelled in having that extra hour in bed yesterday morning – but not me!

The trouble is, just because we all turn back the clocks by one hour, it doesn't adjust our internal clock. The trouble for me is that you could probably set your watch by my brains clock! So yesterday morning, my brain woke up exactly one hour before I would usually wake up, and because it thought I should be getting up, instead of drifting back into a comfortable snooze for an hour, it went into wide awake mode.

So I just laid there for an hour just kind of wishing I could go back to sleep before giving in and getting up. No biggy right!? Wrong! What it meant was, that all day I was just doing everything an hour later than I would be otherwise. So by the time I got to the evening I was eating an hour later, unwinding and watching tv an hour later, then going to bed an hour later and eventually falling asleep an hour later than I would have done. All that stuff adds up and screws with your equilibrium.

Sadly this morning has started in the same vein! I woke up precisely one hour before my alarm was due to go off, leaving me once again very tired. Plus we all know today is going to seem like a very long day, and it will still come as a shock to the system when we leave work tonight in darkness.

What I think we need to solve this problem is a bank holiday Monday on the weekend when the clocks go back. Just to give our brains more time to get used to the winter clock settings. Or failing that, let's just go the whole hog and add a permanent extra day to our weekends over the winter! We could still have a five day working week, but just add an extra day after Sunday. It could be called Sitterday, just to keep the theme of starting the weekend days with an 'S'. So winter weeks would be 8 days long instead. Not a big change, but it would certainly help survive the dark winter months I reckon.

Right, I'm off to start a campaign for introducing Sitterday and send it off to Mr Cameron. Who's with me!?

Learning to let go

Morning all fellow strollers of life's autumn leaf strewn footpath. Well last week I was talking about forgiveness, and how a big part of which was learning to let go. I think we’re probably all guilty of hanging on to things that hurt us, even if sometimes we’re not even aware of what it is that we’re hanging onto. How many times have you thought about letting go of some form of emotional baggage, thinking 'when I get this sorted, things going to be different, things will get better!'? The sad fact is that most of the time we don't actually get round to letting go of whatever it is, so we never get to escape from it.

The reason 'letting go' is so hard, is because most of the time what we have to let go of is not a person or a situation, but the part of ourselves that emerges when we think about that person or situation. The trouble being that it's not normally us who are in control of that particular person or situation. The only thing we are in control of is ourselves and how we deal with the emotions that go along with those people or things.

Real letting go begins with a kind of unraveling, where we start to recognise that what actually we need to let go of is the part of ourself that believes without that person, or without that situation we will somehow lose a part of ourselves and the stuff that makes us who we are. 

Of course that’s the trouble with the human brain; our opinion of ourselves is often given to us by the people we surround ourselves with and the situations we find ourselves in. The trick is, to know what you really need to hold on to and what parts would be better with a bit of pruning.

A lot of the time we feel at a loss, not because something or someone has changed, but because we don’t know who we are without that person or situation that we seem so attached to. So in a way that person or situation was controlling us and defining our sense of self and purpose. From there, we have to try to learn how to give up the way we think about those things if we want to actually give up the pain or the problem that we have because of them.

Ok, so we understand our minds are sometimes wrong to hold on to things that are hurting us, but how do we actually go about getting rid of it? Generally speaking it’s never a good plan to hold a grudge. I doesn’t matter what anybody said or did to you, going around hating people or letting past experiences drive your future about is never going to solve anything.

Let's say you had a suitcase; and everywhere you went, you took your suitcase, and wherever you put the suitcase down, it unclipped itself and out sprung a large mechanical hammer and hit you on the head. Pretty soon you would want to get rid of that suitcase wouldn’t you?! Emotional baggage is exactly the same as that!

That’s exactly what we do! Emotional baggage is a part of us that we carry around, everywhere we go. We all have those idle moments where we thinking back on things, looking at situations, then judge ourselves and others by it, and all the time, whatever we do, without exception, we get another smack around the head by the content of our past.

All we need to do to start letting go of something, is to begin to realize that if we’re suffering by holding on to it. Squeezing it even tighter is only going to make the situation worse and really isn’t going to help. 

Whatever it is, if you find yourself thinking “I hope this happens” or “I want things to turn out this way,” we are subconsciously putting promises in our head that if things work out the way we want everything will be fantastic! What we can’t see, is that the more we hold onto the idea of how things should be, the more we struggle with events as they might turn out.

Actually being aware of the things that we're hanging onto is only really the first step towards letting go of them, because if we are continually looking at situations and go over them again and again in our heads we’re not going forward at all. We’re just continually living over and over again in the past.

Day after day, if we think about it, we can see that the things we’ve been hanging onto are less and less important in the grand scheme of things. It’s a very long process because generally the amount of importance we attach to something is the degree to which we’re punishing ourselves with it! So let's start today by mentally shaking off those things that are holding us back, put them into perspective and look forward to a better tomorrow.

Do look after yourself, and each other.