Monday, 31 March 2014

Worst Monday EVER!

Well as the comic book guy from the Simpsons might well say "Worst Monday EVER!" Yes, this first Monday after to clocks go forwards actually physically hurts doesn't it, I'm sure it's not just me. Oh course it doesn't help that I am feeling decidedly under the weather this morning either, although I'm not really sure how much of that is down to the whole clocks changing thing.

I mean a lot of people fling around the phrase "I'm just sick and tired of such and such", but this morning, like I usually do, I am thinking outside the box and am genuinely feeling ferociously exhausted with an accompanying headache, and as sick as a dog. Or is it, as sick as a parrot? Never too sure on that one. Still whether it's a dog or a parrot my feeling of sickness is akin to one or both of those.

Now the parrot I can understand, as I believe it stems from the time parrots were very popular and were worth a lot of money and so there was a lot of them being smuggled into the United States from South America. They used to dope the birds up on tequila, so when they brought them across the border they wouldn't be squawking their beaks off and give the game away. Which resulted in a massive parroty hangover! Although as for dogs, I'm not really sure, perhaps it's just because a dog if often used as a term of negativity.

Although, at various times cats, rats and even horses have been also dragged into that expression! Of course the odd thing about that, is that horses can’t actually vomit. Although I think my favourite and possibly the strangest member of the set was used by Jonathan Swift in 1731, who said: “Poor Miss, she’s sick as a Cushion, she wants nothing but stuffing” (No! Stop your tittering at the back!).

Still whatever it is I'm certainly feeling it this morning. I think The Cure summed it up quite well in their song 'Close to Me' when they said:

I've waited hours for this!
I've made myself so sick,
I wish I'd stayed asleep today,
I never thought that this day would end. . .

Still, don't mind me, I'll just struggle on trying to stay awake, while it feels like someone is chiseling the back of my eyeballs, and stirring the contents of my innards with a wet wooden spoon. Do try and have yourselves a Monday of sorts people.

P.S. On top of all this, I've also just discovered that I am going to be made redundant! Oh the fountains of joy never cease!

Friday, 28 March 2014

I do

Well wrestle me naked on a faux polar bear rug in front of an roaring open log fire and call me Alan, if it hasn't turned into The Blessed Friday once more. But enough about my personal plans for celebrating my Anniversary with the now infamous Lady T, there's celebrations to be had.

Firstly I would like to apologise for my abundance of tardiness this morning, call me Tardy Tidy if you like, but when I have a day off I like to slowly ease myself into it, like a swimming pool that is just a few degrees cooler than you expected. Of course there is the argument that it's probably better to leap from the side of the pool, adopt the bomb position and plunge straight in. But to be honest with you, I like to approach my far and few days away from the office in a more relaxed manner.

Yes, today's pre-scheduled break in normal work based tomfoolery is all in aid of celebrating the fact that the, let's face it, frankly Amazing Lady T has managed, through unimaginable patience, unprecedented understanding, and unsurpassed tolerance to of been married to me for seventeen years come tomorrow. Yes I know that some of you will be saying, if she'd only just murdered me on our honeymoon, she would of saved herself years of rolling her eyes, months of shaking her her head in despair, and weeks of coping with unpleasant sudden noisy odours, and she could of been out and free on good behavior years ago! Yet despite this truth, she has chosen to remain at my side for all these years. Worthy, some would say of at least making it onto the New Years Honours list at some point, or at the very least some kind of medal of momentousness.

So it is with a full thankful heart of love and pride (No don't play that song!) that I thank the gracious and gorgeous Lady T for all her sufferings over the 17 years we have been a team. For without her by my side I certainly wouldn't be the personification of pleasantness and harmonious facetiousness that you see before you today. (What!? Why are you laughing!? How rude!)

So if you have one to hand, or if you don't maybe later, do raise a glass to the wondrous Lady Tidy whom I still totally adore and is literally 'my other half' as I only really feel complete with her by my side.

Here is our song.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

To err is human . . .

PHILOSOPHICAL PHURSDAY: In 1711 the English poet Alexander Pope wrote the lines "To err is human; to forgive, divine", which if nothing else is darn good quote to be remembered by, and let's face it, he's probably not far off the mark. I mean I'm sure we've all seen things when we think to ourselves, I don't know how I could forgive something like that! And how often do we hear the phrase 'Forgive and forget'? The thing is, it’s fairly easy to say it – although meaning it is quite a different matter.

A most people can just about manage the forgiving part, but struggle with the forgetting! The trouble is, to forgive someone properly you have to let go of whatever the wrong was, and not hold onto it. Just saying the words is only a tiny part of the answer, you have to actually mean it. I'm sure all of us can relate to carrying around a large grudge that's gone on for far too long. This is just how we are built, so the truth is, as long as there are relationships of any kind, there will always be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, even though sometimes it gets mixed up with acceptance, which while important, isn’t quite the same thing. For a lot of people, being able to forgive someone properly actually allows us to truly move on and get over the thing that was causing us pain. A life lived without forgiveness, is a life of real pain for those involved.

Forgiveness is important for everyone, regardless of your age or level of hurt. Everyone probably has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive someone else for. So how do you take a step forward, even when deeply hurt, to take charge of our lives so it is possible to forgive?
One way to look at it is seeing the past as the present, and the future too, because past emotional wounds, can infect our present and the way we carry on in the future. If you were hurt by someone, you may carry a grudge, even if you're not overly aware that you're doing it, or be so hurt that you are psychologically ready to be hurt over and over again.

For example, someone might say something that they consider not very important, but you can't help but interpret it as yet another dig at you! You are the walking wounded, and so the past becomes your present. Yes, you are hurt, but that wound will carry on hurting you all the time you leave it open. If that person is aware that they have hurt your feelings and says sorry, it makes it easier to let go of the hurt, because that person has done half of the healing work. But, what if that person doesn't even know that they've hurt you!? It may be in your interest to find a way to forgive them anyway – and let it go of it.

Sometimes it’s best to actually go up to that person and let them know that they have hurt you (at least from your point of view). You may well get some understanding from this, or you might get some over defensiveness. But you still will need to find a way to let it go and move on. Doing something, is far better than doing nothing and letting the situation fester.

So what if you discover that a person is actually purposely trying to hurt you, and won't stop!? At this point you may need to forgive yourself for letting that person get under your skin so badly. There are tried and tested ways to handle a bully, but it is difficult to be effective if you're just feeling hurt.

We are all wounded by people and words at some point in our lives. Countless people carry emotional wounds with them every day from the past. Many of these wounds can actually determine how people feel about themselves for the rest of their lives.

So how do you break free? There is no easy process but, who wants to be held down by the past? Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance. Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don't come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. Carrying old emotional crap around is simply a weight that zaps the pleasure out of life. Let’s face it, we are not on this earth forever, and sitting there being a victim all your life it not anyone’s idea of fun.

Knowing that you have a hurt that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and resentment. I often think that the word ‘FAIR’ is a four letter word, too many people can't get over just how 'unfair' life is. Such pain, what’s the point!? Life is unfair at times, but it is also filled with amazing love and happiness too.

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself. It allows your wounds to heal. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself for holding on to resentment for so long. Sometimes we just have to take the moral high ground for ourselves. Even if this means forgiving someone who doesn’t even think they need forgiving.

When you accept what has happened, vow to try to not let it happen again, forgiveness is possible. There comes a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and say it’s times to let go of all this hurt and anger that I'm feeling. Even if that means we sometimes have to say sorry ourselves to the person who we feel has caused us the hurt! Surely it’s better to do this and get the boulder of forgiveness rolling, rather than just letting it crush us, because we aren’t prepared to budge our opinion on who was right and who was wrong in any given situation. It will make you feel free so you can better enjoy life in general and move forward in a better state of mind.

Do look after yourselves and each other.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Newton's Tuesday

Well hello there! Do come in, you must be freezing! I would of wrapped up a little warmer if I was you. Or at least put something on. Still, do grab a pew and make yourself comfortable. Here, let me get you a blanket, and maybe a soft towel. Would you like a vigorous rub down before we start at all? . . . No!? Ah well, maybe later then.

Well it's true what they say isn't it, 'into every life a little rain must fall' and today it seems it's choosing ours. Yes my collective group of dazzling gems, it is . . . 'The Tuesday', and almost as if to ram the point home, it's also raining. It's cold, it's grey, it's miserable and it's wet, which are ideal key points if you're writing a lovely story about a young reluctant elephant who doesn't like taking his bath in the jungle pool because it's just not warm enough. But not such great points in real life, when all you're facing is just another average day, particularly when your facing THE MOST average of all the days, and looking up at the wrong end of a 'The Tuesday'.

Still, I suppose if days like 'The Tuesday' didn't exist then days like 'The Blessed Friday' wouldn't seem as bottom spankingly awesome. I guess it all comes down to having a little light and shade in our lives. To properly appreciate the finer things, we have to first experience the other end of the spectrum as well. It was Isaac Newton who said, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" and he was a smart man who knew exactly what he was talking about, although I doubt he had a 'The Tuesday' and a 'The Blessed Friday' in his mind when he said it.

So I guess we should really be thankful for this worn out gusset of a day, we should welcome the dreariness, and cheer it's laborious nature. For without it a Friday wouldn't seem so good. So, with all good intentions I wish all of you, a dull and lacklustre day.

Friday, 21 March 2014

The Friday Fanfare

Well rub me softly with an exfoliating glove and call me Brenda. If it hasn't gone and turned into another breast baringly brilliant Friday. Yes indeed, my host of golden gorgeousnesses (Yes I am even including you in that statement! You are gorgeous too you know!) it has indeed arrived, the Blessed Friday. Like a billowing deep purple sheet, made of the finest silk and then let to rest, it has been laid upon us.

Plus it looks, for me at least, that it's literally going to fly by like a supersonic jet. You see, although I did manage to shift that landslide of job bags which were adorning my desk, they have seemingly found a way to breed. This morning there is an equally large pile sitting there, and they all have the word 'URGENT' scribbled on them at the top with red biro, (just so I know, just how urgent they all are I suppose) and the funny thing is, apparently they all have to be ready to leave the building by the end of play tonight! Oh how I laughed when I discovered the cheeky little imps this morning loitering on my desk. Those little scamps, mocking me with their naughty deadlines.

So I guess I best stop all this tomfoolery (Isn't that just a magnificent word) and get on with trying to shift these stubborn little tinkers. Still, fear not my friends, for I shall not let the dastardly deadlines get me down. I shall approach today with the quiet confidence that comes with the knowledge of knowing, that frankly I'm awesome, and will no doubt be on top of the little blighters by the end of the day.

But it's not just me you know! I'm pretty sure in all our particular fields we are all pretty darn awesome. Yes even you! So don't let the fear of failure get you down today, because it ain't gonna happen. Today is Friday. Today we are untouchable. Today we are unbeatable. Today is our day and we shall reign victorious!

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Have a little Patience

PHILOSOPHICAL PHURSDAY: Well I haven't done one of these for a while, so brace yourselves! Today I'd like to talk about patience, Patience is as they say 'a virtue', one promoted by almost all regions, Paul in his letters to the Corinthians says "Let us first seek to be patient". While the Quran says "Patience is the will of Allah Booya! Patience rocks!" Sorry, that might be the modern translation there. On a less holy note, Guiness used it in their advertising, with the slogan, 'good things come to those who wait'. Which was chosen over the more accurate slogan, 'Guiness you either love it or think it’s absolutely horrible.' But that was seen as being to close to Marmite’s so they went with the waiting thing.

Many high achievers have talked about the value of patience in their work, Thomas Eddison when trying to come up with the idea of the light bulb said, “I haven’t failed, I’ve just found 1000 ways that won’t work.” To be fair, if he’d just drawn himself having a really good idea, he could of just got the design down straight away! Bleedin time waster! Although Eddison’s quote obviously doesn’t work for everyone, I mean a pilot can’t crash a plane and proudly announced “Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a way of flying a plane that doesn’t work”. But you can see his point!

So if patience is so great, why do we live in a society where everyone is constantly in a rush? We all want things instantly, cos we just hate waiting. Us Brits are often given credit with being patient, but I think that is a myth. For example with the idea that we love queueing. This is not true! People in queues are often restless and rude, we don’t like queueing, we just accept it as a fact of life. I mean we accept that we have to go to the toilet, but you don’t get people going “Ahh there’s the British for you, always weeing, they love a good urinal those Brits!” What passes for patience in these situations is people being furious, but also being too timid to say so.

The fact is, great things take time. I think our society is summed up by the Queen lyrics “I want it all, I want it now” and to a lesser extent, “I see a little silhouetto of a man”. We’re all fixated on fast food, next day delivery, fastest ever broadband and get rich quick schemes! Fewer and fewer people are trying those get rich slow schemes, where you have to painstakingly save for the future, Mostly because none of us have the extra money to save with anyway. Of course there also don’t get rich at all schemes, where you just sit in your pants waiting for someone to give you money.

We’re all impatient sometimes, waiting for that cheque to arrive or when will so and so get back, or how long to do have to keep this body in the bath of acid before it dissolves. But there is a useful phrase which helps in times like this, it goes, “Wait”. I remember another phrase that used to go “Softly softly catchy monkey” . . . Yeah I never understood it either!

Still do look after yourselves, and each other.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Wednesday Awakens

Good day, good morning and may mountains of sanctifications be placed upon you. Yes dear friends, the sun is pushing it's way through the blanket of cloud cover that hangs above our heads, and soon will be shining down upon us, bathing us in it's warm and reassuring Wednesday light.

Reassuring of course because we know that Wednesday brings with it the beginning of the bumpy slide of fun that finishes at the weekend. Yes, we may still have a lot more to do before we get there, indeed at this moment in time less week as passed than what lays before us, but when Wednesday appears, is does at least feel like we are heading in the right direction. For we know, that once lunchtime arrives it's downhill all the way.

I myself have a pile of job bags sitting next to me that even the great George Mallory himself would find a struggle to conquer. Mostly of course because he's been dead for 90 years, but you get the idea. Still, I shall shuffle them about, maybe move them from one side of my desk to the other, just to show that something is happening with them, and by the time home time materializes, who knows maybe that mountainous stack will of receded a little.

Anyway, as much as I hate to love you and leave you, I fear that is exactly what I must do now. There is after all no time like the present to crack on with my climb. So with safety ropes secured and crampons attached, I bid you all a wonderful Wednesday.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Take control of your 'The Tuesday'

Hello! Good morning and good day to you, my shining examples of bustling beauties. Well how was yours? Didn't really have time to catch-up yesterday what with all the Paddys Day shenanigans going on. Still, that particular green patch of the year has passed, which leaves us, I'm afraid to say, with a fairly normal and nondescript 18th March and yet another 'The Tuesday'.

Yes dear friends, the shuddering mass of a 'The Tuesday' has disembarked, barged its way through crowds, shuffled its way in front of us, and then just to deliberately hold us up as much as it can, decided to get on it's hands and knees and slowly crawl it's way forward, with a sneering grin on it's red bloated face. 

Sadly Fact Fans all I can offer about the 18th of March is that in 1850, yes that's right 1850! American Express was founded, who knew people were determined to squander their hard earned cash on credit cards back then. Then in 1931 the very first electric razor went on sale, one guy liked it so much he bought the company! Then in 1986, Buckingham Palace announced the engagement of Prince Andrew to Sarah Ferguson. Still not everything works out for the best I suppose.

Yet despite this, I'm actually feeling quite chipper for a 'The Tuesday', and I have absolutely no idea why! Still I might as well make the most of all this undiluted tickerty boo I seem to be in possession of. Let's bear in mind that while this 'The Tuesday' is crawling slowly in front of us with it's smug grin, it is in a prime position for us to give it repeated swift kicks up the arse. So put on your best arse kicking boots, (mine are cowboy boots with a pointy metal toe) and let's start gently reminding this 'The Tuesday' we're not going to suffer any of it's nonsense it will try to fling our way.
Stay strong good people.

Monday, 17 March 2014

Enjoy the crack!

Well blessing be upon you and your houses and beggora if it tisn't Mondaytide once again. But more than this, me fair folk, as it will have no doubt not escaped your knowledge, tis also being Paddy's Day.

Ahh yes, The day to celebrate the Blessed Saint Patrick, or as we English use it, an excuse to wear silly hats and get drunk on Guiness. I'm pretty sure this is the only reason we have taken to the Irish celebratory day so keenly. It seems like we will embrace any excuse to get drunk on a theme. (like we need an excuse!) Yet despite this, our very own patron Saint, Saint George, doesn't even get a look in on the 23rd of April. You see, I think, if we are going to take Saint Patrick under our wing for an excuse to enjoy 'the crack'. Why not start making a big fuss about Saint George as well, then we'll have another excuse to act foolish and wear silly hats in about a months time as well.

Still, today is all about Saint Patrick, who let's not forget, was actually an Englishman from Cumbria. Who at the age of sixteen was taken as slave to Ireland where he lived for six years before he managed to escape. He then became a bishop and only returned to Ireland many, many years later. Where amongst other things he did, was a missionary and converted lots of the 'well to do' ladies into becoming nuns, as well as using a clover leaf to illustrate the holy trinity. Then to top it all off, also apparently banished all snakes from Ireland. Which it has to be said, was probably quite an easy task, as there never has been any indigenous species of snake in Ireland anyway.

But why should Saint Patrick get all the glory? I mean Ireland has two other patron Saint's that we hear nothing about! Saint Brigit and Saint Columba, who never even get a mention! Saint Brigit was a nun who founded a great many monasteries and worked many miracles in her time, including healing the sick and feeding the poor, and let's not forget she was actually Irish by birth! As for Saint Columba, he too was an Irishman, who also founded loads of monasteries, then skipped across the sea in later life to go and convert the Scots with his twelve friends, before returning home much later in life to write a few hymns. I mean they both seem like good candidates to celebrate as well, plus they have the advantage of actually being Irish!

Still, however you decide to mark Saint Patrick's Day, do enjoy the crack!

Friday, 14 March 2014

It's Friday, I'm in love.

Well enquire about the frequency, and call me Kenneth. I know everybody hurts sometimes, but I couldn't be a more shiny, happy person, even if I was stood in the place where I lived, night swimming with the man on the moon. Yes dear friends, it's Friday, I'm in love. In fact I feeeeeeel good, but then I knew that I would.

So don't worry, be happy and feel free to clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, because I’m happy. In fact we could all be happy together, because Fridays are happy days. Oh happy day. Oh Friday, you make me feel like dancing, I know some of you may be saying "I don't feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today," you might just say, "I don't want to dance, dance with you baby no more", but I'm in the mood for dancing! So don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't even blame it on the good times, blame it on the boogie. I haven't stopped dancing yet! You should be dancing!

* * *

You'll have to excuse, my musical mood,
It's Friday, so what can I say,
I'll never get tired, of this day that's desired,
From the first light of any Monday.

So kick off your shoes, get rid of your blues,
Skip round the room like a loon,
Friday is here, so let's all give a cheer,
So enjoy it, it's over so soon.

Thursday, 13 March 2014


WARNING: THIS IS A WARNING. THE FOLLOWING WARNING CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT IS A WARNING OF THE HIGHEST MAGNITUDE. If you, or anyone you know, comes in the proximity of me today, take immediate steps to get as far away from me as humanly possible. I am a walking disaster area, and should be avoided at all costs. (What do you mean, you try to avoid me at all costs anyway!? RUDE!)

Seriously though it's not good! It seems this real pea-souper of a fog that surrounds us this morning has also set up home in my head this morning! Causing me to have possibly the worse case of 'brain fog' I've had in decades! . . . Well ok, maybe years. . . Oh alright, months then. . . Okay! Okay! But it has definitely been a good few weeks.

It all started when I woke up this morning. (Not good really, when you consider I've only actually been awake for about an hour and a half at this point) I had awoken from a particularly surreal dream involving, me, my pyjama bottoms, rain, a block of flats, an unexpected buffet based family function of complete strangers, and the classic Waddingtons board game 'Land of the Dinosaurs'. (Don't ask!) Anyway, I switched off the alarm, reached over to have a drink of water from the sports bottle I have beside my bed for overnight thirst requirements and proceeded to squeeze it too hard, which sent a jet of water from it's nozzle up my nose and into my eye.

Not a great start I thought to myself, and certainly now in my top ten of 'what not to do when you first wake up'. Still I brushed the water off my face and went and had my shower, thankfully no disasters during that part. Then I got out the shower and for some reason knocked the enormous plastic jug that sits beside the sink onto the floor, causing a very loud clatter. So I picked that up and replaced it back onto the small bathroom unit where it came from. Unfortunately I was a little too vigorous with my placement, and through the domino effect, caused a large bottle of Gaviscon to fall off the back of it, which in turn caused an even loud bang and clatter. Possibly waking up the entire household in one foul swoop.

Sadly the madness didn't end there. I dried myself off and managed to put both legs through the same leg hole of my underwear. Not realising this until I went to walk away, and ended up just flailing on the spot for a few moments before crashing down like a felled Redwood. Thankfully I managed to aim my fall at the bed, which is something of a bright side I suppose.

Still, having done all that, I got myself together, went downstairs, grabbed an orange juice and headed out the door to the car. So I clicked the little unlock button and tried to open the door. Nothing. I was still locked up tight. So I pulled the handle a little harder, thinking maybe it was just a bit stiff. Nothing. So I thought I'd try locking it, and unlocking it again. I mean maybe I grabbed the handle to quickly so it didn't unlock. Press the lock button, *click*. Press the unlock button *click*. I was only at this point that I noticed that the sounds of unlocking and locking, weren't coming from the car I was stood next to. Yes that's right, I was trying to get into my in-laws car with my car keys. I know we haven't had the new Tidymobil very long, but still. It's not like it's the same car, or even the same flipping colour!! Thankfully there was no one around to witness me being such a calamitous arse. Oh no, hold on, yes there was! Next doors, teenage son was outside, about to start his paper round. So he saw me desperately trying to get into a car that wasn't mine. Marvellous.

Then to top it all off, when I finally got to work through the thick fog I spent at least a minute trying to open the office door with my front door key. Then as was about to sit down to write this, I sneezed whilst holding a full mug of coffee. Which, suffice to say is no longer very full. Still hopefully, when the actual fog lifts, it may take my severe brain fog with it. Until then I think I'll just sit quietly behind my desk and hope for the best.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

The Tuesday Commeth

Good morning and good day to you my fine fillies and gallant geezers. I'm afraid that once again the yardarm of the week has swung round and clocked us on the back of the head, sending us head first into a large barrel of two day old mackerel. Which can of course only mean one thing, it's time for . . . 'The Tuesday'.

For your viewing pleasure this morning, if you look out of your window, you will of course notice that the glorious sparkling sunshine from yesterday has been replaced with a grey and dreary anticyclonic gloom. And for your audible delight this morning, you will find that the usual gaiety of chirruping birdsong that makes up the dawn chorus, has been replaced by the repetitive grating sounds of crows and seagulls. All of which just to adds to the personal joy of awaking to find yourself starring up into the bottom of a 'The Tuesday'. A Tuesday that reeks like the breath of a very elderly dog called Skip, who has just finished licking his testicles and has a particularly bad case of halitosis brought on by a terminal gum disease.

Still on the bright side, I'm glad to report that Monday passed with it's usual swiftness, and without too much biting. Plus we were given another opportunity to skip in Spring sunshine, and frolic naked in fields of daffodils. . . No!? . . . Just me on that one then. Still the clear bright skies and warm sunshine did make for an almost pleasant start to the week.

I also can't help but notice that Facebook has decided to give itself yet another face lift. Not really sure about it yet, no doubt I will become accustomed to it. Although at the moment it's just seems a bit too 'in-your-face' and chunky for my liking. Which strangely enough, is quite often how I'm referred to when people meet me for the first time.

Right, well as much as I would love to sit here all day banging on and on about the empty bucket of hopelessness that The Tuesday flings at us, I fear I must crack on with things. They say time and tide wait for no man, and neither it seems do deadlines for museum graphics. So I bid you farewell, and pray that your day is going to be an altogether less unpleasant experience than I fear mine is going to be.

Stay strong people, I'll see you tomorrow.

Monday, 10 March 2014

Moanday Morning

Good morning, and indeed a good day to you my fellow rabble-rousers. Well I'm afraid yet another weekend has slipped through our clutches. (really not sure about that saying. It always sounds a bit rude. "Well I slipped through her clutches! Know what I mean ay! *nudge nudge*, * wink wink*, say no more!" Although maybe that's just my mucky mind at work again.) Sorry, where was I? . . . Ah yes! 'clutches'. Yes, once again the sands time of another weekend, have slipped through our fingers, leaving us to face yet another Monday for which we feel ill-prepared for.

I'm pretty sure, even if we knew exactly what we were going to be doing on any given Monday, and planned it down to a finite amount of detail, we would still arise on a Monday morning with that slight feeling of dread, and insecurity that seems to come with the dawning of the day in question. Even though history tells us that it will pass quickly, and relatively painlessly, we know that we can never truly trust a Monday to not suddenly turn round and bite us on the arse. Like a much loved family dog, whom has been nought but friendly and well mannered all of it's life, but of which, we are still aware has inside it's mouth a set of sharp fangs which at any given moment it could use on us, should it just flip out for a split second, if we accidentally took it by surprise.

Still, face it we must.

So once again dear friends, it is time we perform the perilous high-dive from the rocky outcrop of Sunday night into the deep waters of Monday morning. Not really knowing what awaits us as we hit the water. Although we can at least take heart in the knowledge that today, and indeed the rest of this coming week, does also come with the promise of some much needed Spring sunshine. A fact that will give us all that extra little boost we need to make it through the week of challenges ahead.

So keep smiling, keep on the the sunny side, and keep on keeping on.

Thursday, 6 March 2014


MORNING, GORGEOUS FELLOW CAMPERS!! shh! *whispers* sorry. morning! I know I am a little early this morning, I am literally writing live from the crack of dawn. (No! Don't insert your own smutty joke here, nobody needs that grubbiness this early in the morning)

I am in a tad earlier than normal for the usual deadline related issues, too much to do, too little time to do it. You know the score. Still this does have two rather large benefits as fa as I can see it. Firstly it means I get to enjoy a whole extra hour of Fridayness, which is never a bad thing. And secondly it also means, that once the job is laid to rest later on today, I get to go home early too! So HUZZAH I say, and thrice HUZZAH. Of course there is also a slight downside to it, and that is the fact that I am out on the town tonight. (Burgess Hill beware!) So by the time it get's to pint number three, I am going to be awfully tiredly and small have to try and acquire a small snooze in the corner of a rowdy pub. Still, wouldn't be the first time!

I know really early mornings aren't everyone's of a cup of tea, or coffee depending on your preference. But I've never really minded tackling the dawn from the underside. (NO! Just stop it with your mucky minds the lot of you! You should be ashamed that your mind goes there, this early in the day! Honestly. SO rude!) For some reason, I've always been at my sharpest first thing in the morning. Well after a hot shower and a sip of coffee at any rate. Although having said that, the same can't be said about me on a Saturday morning. You just ask the Marvelous Lady T, generally speaking I have a brain like a Zombie on a Saturday morning for some reason. She refers to it as my 'Saturday head' with good reason, frankly on a Saturday I'm a liability till gone half past twelve.

Still I'm getting a little ahead of myself for we all have the wonderous joy and and beguiling beauty of a full Blessed Friday to look forward to. So strap on your best smile, give someone a vigorous tickle, followed by a big sloppy kiss. Get your you giggle pants at the ready, (Always good to have a pair of these!) go out there with gusto, and get really to simply lap up the finest day of the week.

Do enjoy yourselves everyone, smile like you mean it, and try and spread some around the place as you do it.

Spring has descended

Good day and good morning to all you gentle men, and indeed to all you rough ladies. (you know who you are!) Firstly I would like to apologise for my Tidy Tardiness this morning. It seems that the technology here at the office didn't want to wake up this morning. Still never mind all that, I'm here now, better late then never as they say.

Well yesterday turned out really quite gorgeous didn't it!? Admittedly it was a little chilly first thing in the morning, but by the time the sunshine had woken up properly, washed the sleep out of it's eyes, had a poo, got dressed and it's first cup of coffee, it was actually quite pleasantly warm in the sunshine. And today doesn't look like it's going to be any less gorgeous either.

Spring it seems might of finally decided to descend upon us, wrapping it's daffodil clad arms around us and tickling us with it's posies of primroses. Sadly I shall have to leave all my naked frolicking and cavorting in fields of daffodils until another time. As once again I fear I find myself as busy as bee who has achieved Honours in Business and Management Studies from the Cambridge, started it’s own company producing organic honey, succeeded in selling it’s honey to all the top British superstores, and is currently on the verge of making a deal to sell it’s honey to all the International markets.

Still, with the sunshine and the blue skies doing their level best to spread their smiles over our hearts, I’m sure no matter how busy we are, or what we are doing on this fine Friday Eve, it will seem all the easier for their company.

Have yourself a glorious Thursday and I shall see you all on The Blessed Friday.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

The curse of the over active imagination.

The horrendous sounds from outside had finally subsided. So with his heart still pounding in his chest, his breathlessly scrabbled his way back up to the entrance of the cold, damp overflow pipe he had taken refuge in. Then, like a small vole emerging from it burrow, he risked a look outside.

What greeted him was a deafening wall of silence. No sound whatsoever. No traffic, no shouting, the jets that had earlier filled the skies above him had gone, and the sickening screams and gunfire from just 30 minutes ago were no more. Not even a bird was offering up it's song somewhere in the distance to give him a glimmer of hope.

The machines, whatever they were, had gone and so it seemed had everyone else. He was half expecting to see the limp bodies of victims strewn all around him, but there were none to be seen. What was now terrifying him the most was the fact that there was no sign anywhere that anything had happened at all. The only sounds he could hear was his own labored breath bursting from his lungs, and his heavy heartbeat throbbing in his ears.

He stood up, clambered over the rubble and up to the mound on edge of the park. Standing there in the cold, bright sunlight of a new dawn, he surveyed the silent eerie scene. There was no getting away from it, for now it seemed he was definitely on his own.

* * *

So that was the lovely dream that accompanied me throughout the night last night! Honestly sometimes I do curse the fact of my overactive imagination. Still it is a lovely, bright, early spring day out there today, so I shall cast all that dread filled sleep aside and welcome the dawning of this brand new shiny Wednesday with open arms and give it a great big wet sloppy kiss!


Monday, 3 March 2014

Shrovetide Tuesday

Brisk salutations, warm rub-downs and chillsome greetings to you all on this particularly shiversome Shrovetide Tuesday. Yes that's right, it's pancake day, yes it's pancake day, it's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pancake day. Although sadly not for me. Unfortunately the old 5-2 diet doesn't allow for the usual obscene mountain of pancakes spread liberally with strawberry jam or lemon curd. Still I guess it could be one of those things that I give up for lent.

Of course 'Shrove Tuesday' comes from the word 'shrive' which means 'to confess', people go through the process of self-examination and consider what wrongs they need to repent of. Well I must confess, I'm generally not very good at giving things up. In fact my usual tack is to proudly claim that for lent I am going to give up giving things up. Which I have to say is very similar to my usual New Year Resolutions.

So how should one go about giving up, giving things up? It could mean the opportunity to maybe start some new addictive habits or start eating more chocolates, sweets and fatty foods. Maybe start smoking a pipe!? I've never even tried smoking a pipe myself, but I have always liked the look of it. You can make seemingly intelligent and interesting points when you're holding a pipe. People seem to pay more attention to what you're saying if you point the end of your pipe at them when conveying your view. Then to show you've finished bestowing your priceless knowledge upon them you just stick the pipe back in your mouth and fold your arms. I mean who can argue with someone whose just made a point with a pipe and folded their arms? It's the end of the discussion surely.

Still, I'm sure there are far more sensible people than me out there, people who choose this time of year to try and make a positive alteration to their lives, even if it is just until Easter. So weather you're going to give giving up a go, or have a go at giving up giving things up, I wish you well in all your endeavors, whatever they may be.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

A fond farewell to the weekend

Morning all, how are we then? Yes I know, it does feel a little sleepy and Mondayish out there today. Still we might as well pretend to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, if only for the look of it. Although I am feeling absolutely exhausted at the moment having just hopefully finished a good fifteen minute sneezing marathon!

Still the weekend was very nice wasn't it? I planted my first tree on Saturday in grounds behind Tidy Towers. During which time I very nearly performed a 'Margo' from 'The Good Life" several times!  It was a pear tree in fact, so it shall be interesting to see if I get to reap the fruits of my labor at some point in the distant future. Then once evening came, myself and the other inmates of Tidy Towers went out for a little nosh up, with Lord and Lady Tidy senior. Which was very nice, but did leave me feeling rather full and unable to move afterwards. Still I suppose if you go out for a meal and you leave not feeling so full you can't move, you're probably doing wrong.

Sunday of course was a lovely relaxed affair. Sunday's are after all made for pottering, and a day to footle about. So once I achieved a fair amount of footling and a not insubstantial amount of pottering, myself and Lady T settled ourselves in the drawing room to watch the modern musical entitled "Sunshine of Leith" I have to say, I'm not much of a fan of the musical genre, and believe it or believe it not, I still haven't watched "The Sound of Music" or "Grease". I know shocking ay! But I have to say "Sunshine of Leith" was quite utterly marvelous. Of course I think it was helped by the fact that I am already a bit of a huge fan of the works of The Proclaimers anyway. Suffice to say, I wholeheartedly recommend you watch it, if you haven't already.

Still the weekend has passed, and we much take that first begrudging trudge on the muddy path of a brand new week. Do watch out for that first step though, it's a doozy!