'The Tuesday' by Edmund Blackadder

Well cram me full with dumplings, and slap me across the chest with moist halibut called Gerald. If it isn't 'The Tuesday' already! Well I must say, that Monday really didn't hang around very long did it? It hardly had time to take it's coat off and wipe it's feet, before we were physically turning it around throwing it's coat at it and pushing it back out the door. Quite right too, you don't want a Monday draping itself about the place, like a teenage sloth who has just consumed an entire pack of Diazepam. Good riddance I say!

So like a fresh bloom of flatulence in the face 'The Tuesday' has arrived. Along with it's proud boast of being the most long, drawn out, and frankly mind-numbingly irksome day of the week. Darn you 'The Tuesday'! *shakes fist to the sky* Yes, one can only wonder at what pristine species of arse awaits us on this, the longest day of the week. No doubt there will be the boundless joy of the usual servings of constant precipitation throughout the day, which will only add to our naturally sunny disposition. Plus of course there will be, the almost guaranteed, added bonus of at least one cretinous simpleton who will find some astounding way to make our day even more monumentally hellish.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh though? Perhaps I should study a leaf out of my Friday diaries, and find the pinprick of joy that there is to be had on this the birth of a new day. Perhaps I should dance and skip like a mindless nincompoop, around a bushel of fresh flowers in a flannelette nightgown and lace nightcap while singing "Oh what a beautiful Morning". Perhaps I should just pretend that everything will be better than I think it's going to be. Sure, I could do that, but underneath it all I would know that I was fooling no one. We all feel the clammy grasp of 'The Tuesday' when it's upon us, and we all know that during the course of the day some form of freshly laid excrement will undoubtedly hurl itself against the ventilator of our day.

So my best advice for us all today is to keep our heads down, avoid all unnecessary contact with dimwitted morons, and be ready to deal with whatever bucket of buttocks that is placed in our laps.